How to pick your nose. Uglypoetry 12/03
So, what is there to be said of this disgusting act? You may wonder why would any body need to be given instructions. Don’t you just stick a finger up there and go to work. Most would think so, but you can damage your nostril with amateur tactics. Sure, go ahead, think this is a joke, and blow it off. But one day in your life you will have one of those hard and crusty boogers that has grabbed onto a nose hair and just won’t let go, no matter how hard you blow. That will be the time you will need this useful information.
There are a few things to keep in mind before picking. Each of these will be discussed further, but first you need to know your enemy; secondly, you will need a plan of action; and lastly you need an awareness of your surroundings. These three elements will not only aid you in relieving this nasal discomfort, but they will help avoid embarrassing yourself as you deal with this every day common occurrence.
Due to the fact that it is not considered socially acceptable to pick your nose in public, if nothing else know this golden rule: UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, NEVER, EVER, EVER, EAT YOUR BOOGER, which is just wrong on so many levels nothing else need be said.
So let’s start with the first point, KNOW YOUR ENEMY. What is a booger? And please don’t get confused with bugger, which deals with a different orifice much further south. So let us define a Booger; as a deposit of unknown origin, adhering itself to the scilia of the nasal passage. Thus explaining the golden rule. A booger has four common forms:
• the Nugget - a hard and crusty mass similar to a rock or pebble
• the Thing - similar to a nugget but with Playdo like consistency
• the Goober – a mix of gelatinous mass and nuggets or things
• Snot – sheer gelatinous mass with various levels of viscosity
Each of these types of boogers have their own potential problems as you may already know. Nuggets like to attach to nose hair. This causes additional discomfort and possibly watering of the eyes. In addition, nuggets feel larger in the nose than they really are. Finally, nuggets have the risk of being pushed into the sinus passage as you try to pick it out. The Thing is like the chameleon of the booger world, because of its softness it feels like nasal tissue. It will also splinter and become several smaller globs that are harder to find. The Goober is relatively easy to find and pick but when it is removed it pulls with it a mass of goo in rubber-band fashion that snaps on your finger if your lucky and back up your nose if your not. The Goober is the nastiest of boogers to pick. Finally we have Snot; Snot can not be picked. You must employ the use of a tissue or hanky. There is the potential to free blow (the act of blowing your nose into your hands or open space) when you encounter Snot but this is an advanced maneuver which requires a great deal of practice so as not to get Snot all over your cloths. This option is not recommended when in the presence of the opposite sex.
Now that you know what you may be facing as you, head in. you just need to look around to best decide what you need to deal with the situation. Are you in your car driving? Are you at a meeting? Are you at home? Are you on a date? Is it a first date? Every situation will present it’s own problems.
Let’s start with you at home in the privacy of your own bathroom. In this situation pick away, but beware of the potential of a significant other walking in on you. It may save some embarrassment. This is also the perfect opportunity to free blow, as you can immediately wash your hands afterwards.
Now lets consider the problems of being at work. Knowing the social connotations, to pick during a meeting may present yourself as being rather unprofessional. But in the confines of your own office, if you have one, may be perfectly acceptable. Avoid picking in front of the bathroom mirror at work. You run the risk of being caught or leaving a deposit on the mirror by accident, especially with goobers, which is just bad edicate.
The dating issue changes over time. On a first date, it is never acceptable to pick your nose in front of your date. But as the relationship wears on and you become more comfortable around each other, picking becomes acceptable as you have probably won the significant other over with your charms or money. And while picking may be gross in the eyes of the other, it’s probably not your worst bad habit.
Finally, we come to the issue of the car. The car is the trickiest of public settings. It has windows so you will be seen. And two what will you do with it after it has been picked. Ninety-five percent of all vehicles do not have tissue in them. Which leaves you with two options, flick or wipe.
Flicking a booger requires patience and practice. As you have probably already found out that boogers have unnatural magnetic ability to stick to anything, especially fingers. Nuggets and things are easy flick options. Just be prepared with the window already rolled down, and make sure you stick you whole arm out the window when you flick. This will elieveate the problem of the booger sticking to something in the car by accident. Now when you are ready to flick, always check your mirrors first. As flicking a booger on another’s car could get you shot in this time of crazy road rage. Then flick away, it may take more than one flick but the wind will aid in eroding away the booger. Should you encounter a very stubborn booger that just won’t let go, always wipe the booger on the roof of your car. This is the only acceptable place to wipe a booger, when riding in a car, other than a tissue. Wiping on the roof creates plausible deniability; it could be bird shit. And the elements will remove it from your car.
So, there you have it, all the pearls of wisdom in regards to boogers. Please use this information wisely and safely. And you just might become a professional nose picker.