Late one night. A true story. uglypoetry 9-13-02


I was sitting at my favorite bar stool in my favorite bar. I had been there for several hours nursing the umpteenth vodka something and writing in my journal about my last breakup. Sure I wished at that time I could pick up a girl and screw all night, but this was not that kind of night. I would sip my drink, scan the crowd, scribble a line or two, then sip, and start all over again. It was when I finished with a line and looked up that I saw an amazing pair of icy blue eyes and long thick golden hair. The kind you would love to run your hands into and the rattiest goatee I have ever seen on a man.
“What are you looking at faggot?!!” he sprayed in my face. Then dumped a beer in my lap.
Then there was laughter, sweet, soft, laughter. I was embarrassed to look but what could have been worse at that time. So, I raised my eyes to meet dirty dishwater blonde and pensive hazel eyes. She held out a bev-nap as an offer for the mess in my pants. I thanked her knowing the mini towel could not handle an ice cube let alone this.
Her lips began to move but I felt as though I was stuck in a time warp and everything slowed down. I began to realize she was talking to me. “I hate when people get all creeped out because you’re looking at them. It’s just how the world works. You look at each other for a while and then you fuck.”
“What?” I mumbled.
“All right, so that’s a little simplified. But I think dogs are right. You see or meet someone, you trot over and sniff their crotch and then someone establishes dominance and mounts the other one.”
I still had no idea what the hell she was talking about. And I remember thinking she was totally nuts. But I guess I was thinking out loud because she threw her beer in my face and proclaimed what a piece of shit I was.
It’s hard to find dignity in a crowd of drunken spectators when you are the definite loser. I picked up my stuff and headed to the washroom to try to clean up before my walk of shame home. There was not much to be done for my cloths but at least I could wash the beer out of my eyes. With my head in the sink, I heard the door open and the clippity-clop sound of a girl's flip-flops come in. I turned to look and said, “Oh shit, pensive hazel!”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean, chowderhead!” she yelled back.
“Nothing, what do you want? You need to pour one down my back to make it complete?”
“Listen I came in here to apologize.” She replied.
I did not trust her as far as I could throw her. “Yea? You sure it’s not to gloat?” She raised her right hand and said, “Honest Enjun.” We just stood there and looked at each other for a while, the silence quickly became awkward to a point I was really not in the mood for. “Listen it’s sweet and all that you want to apologize. But standing there silent isn’t much of one.”
Her lips began to move again, “I’m sorry you’re right. I’m sorry I poured a beer on you. I’m sorry I embarrassed you in front of all those people. I’m sorry my boyfriend poured a beer on you. I’m sorry all this happened. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“That guy was your boyfriend?” I asked. Her head bobbed yes.
“Don’t you think you should be getting back to him?”
She shook her head no and said, “He’s a total dickhead.”
“Then why are you with him?” I asked.
She just shrugged her shoulders then out of her random mind she asked, ”Are you familiar with T.S. Elliot?”
“What? That is so random. Are you on drugs?”
“No.” she responded. “I just love his work and want to recite something to you, then you can walk me home.”
“Do you have any idea how psycho you sound, lady? What makes you think I want anything to do with you? Listen thanks for the apology. Have a great night and leave me alone.”
I turned back and finished washing my face. She was still there and handed me a clean bar towel when I finished. Then stepped forward invading my space bubble and said, “I want to recite to you and walk home with you, because you’re kind, you’re cute, and you’re the kind of guy I would want to bring home to my mom.”
It had been a long night with too much alcohol and self-pity. Nevertheless, I think I knocked her down as I ran out of the bathroom.